Mid-life Crisis
07-17-05, 9:23 PM

My mid-life crisis began on Wednesday. There has been seven consecutive gray days with extreme humidity that caused most of the city, if perhaps only me, to stay indoors to escape the wet, electric blanket heat known as summertime in Kentucky. Is it possible to have cabin fever in the middle of July? I begin to think so because the end of summer is only six weeks away and I have yet to accomplish my goals.

So back to the mid-life crisis because that seems interesting to write about at the moment. What makes you believe you having a crisis?

Let me preface that I�ve recently become similar to the �Debbie Downer� character on Saturday Night Live the past couple of days so it may become down right depressing. Damn, I don�t want even be with me! Don�t worry and I don�t take offense to it because I know what you�re thinking, �Go get some Prozac! Snap out it!� Funny you should mention, I took Zoloft instead and ironically almost rented �Prozac Nation� at the video store. By the way, when the video clerk recommends �Life Aquatic� and �Million Dollar Baby�, these videos really aren�t a comedy and a story about boxing. They didn�t add levity to my situation.

Back to the mid-life crisis question.

I�ve come to the second part of my life because I feel as if I�ve walked into a middle of a wheat field and come to a juncture and need to decide which direction to continue my walk. Turning in circles, behind me I see the crush stalks and begin to question: Do I want to continue in this direction? I recognize that I�m not truly happy in this journey but it is safe, somewhat enjoyable and challenging at times.

Turning to the right and left, the horizons are slightly different from the one in front of me but boundless. I wonder: if I alter my course, have I wasted what I�ve build upon? But, what if the new path leads to happiness, would I be concerned of wasting the past years? NO. Yet, there is fear: what if the new direction seems like a continuation poor decisions and not true fulfillment?

Nothing is actually lost than, if you remain in the same condition. However, if you make your situation worse, then you made a neutral condition negative. Risks ... no one guaranteed you an easy life. In fact by comparisons, you have lead an easy life.

Yes, but an easy life is not what I�m seeking. Maybe, this is why I don�t seem fulfilled?
However, I do know, I�ve grown tired of the confrontations and crisises-- work, in particular, and family, second.

Today�s popular culture bombards us with 24 hour coverage of destruction, mayhem, crisis, unrest, etc. Before CNN, news coverage was limited to 6 p.m. with local coverage followed by national news at 6:30 p.m. For only one hour, we were subject to the catastrophes. Our lives are no longer sheltered with rose tinted glasses of the Cleavers, Brady�s or Huxtables. Now days, it is all about �reality t.v� where the most socially inept people are is competition forced to produce drama, bitch slapping and cut throat competition in order to win the grand prize � something real and tangible to our realties, like a million bucks.

Sounds a lot like life, Bob.

Yes and I�m not happy with it. I mentioned that before, right? I suppose with my rant I�m realizing this unrest has inundated all aspects of my life and I need to escape.

This is probably why you got so drunk Wednesday. Why not take a simple solution and turn off the television or block-out the news channels and just turn in Nickelodeon for safe, sanitized world? You use your house in this very same manner.

Nice dig. I realize I can control, or least make choices, that affect my surroundings. I�m just wondering is this all there is to life? Is it all a game? To win at all costs, no matter the outcome? What happened to civility, manners and respect? Jokingly aside, Phil Donahue started society�s down fall.

In my early teens, I was fearless with visions of greatness and endless possibilities of unlikely attainable professions, such as a rock star, movie star, a mall developer, president, hockey player, etc. and all undeserved wealth that comes with it. In my college years, the reality was �years and years off� and I was full of myself and abilities but each not proven. Graduating from college, employers didn�t quite see and understand my �greatness� I so highly thought of myself. I became humbled and realized I had to further educate myself to get ahead. After graduate school, a few more doors opened but through pride and ego, I slammed shut a few doors behind me. For awhile, quite awhile, I had my dream job and was in love, a uniquely rare occurrence but jeopardized both through poor decision and timing. I found the high paying job, the good life, but didn�t have time for myself, friends, family or pleasurable pursuit of any kind. I sought peer respect by trying to attain a Ph.D. but lacked passion for the subject matter. Clearly, this should have been the sign to find a new career, but I accepted a job that was somewhat safe and challenging in the same field of my study but failed to realized I�ve grown tired not only the subject but also the confrontation aspect to the job.

Maybe, I�ve become the old boxer, a Mike Tyson, who is going through the actions, not feeling the passion and realizing with age: taking a punch or two in the face really does hurt! "The fight is gone." With Mike, I'll take a knee in the corner. Mike said he doesn�t know what he�ll do after retirement. What do old boxers do? He�s only 37, almost like me. He claims that he�ll go up on a building�s roof and feed his pigeons. I understand he is bankrupt and I can�t say that I�m any better=off but feeding pigeons until I die is not the wheat field I want to cross.

Yesterday - Tomorrow