Perfect Gift -- Ghillie Suits
12-04-05, 9:00 PM

�Fifteen bucks! I�m out of here!� I grab my coat, dash out the door and drive to Meijer�s, the discount superstore with everything from groceries to electronics, auto, lawn care and fabrics. I found the perfect Christmas gift, a car seat heater with massage units, for my father who complained about being cold in his new ride, the pimped-out, �handi-capable� van. Arriving at the store with my Sunday circular in hand, I scanned every shelf within the auto department only to learn they were sold out of the product. It seems this was a hot item for those with elderly parents as a woman arrived seconds behind me also slightly dejected and depressed about the empty shelf which once held the perfect gift.

Running out of ideas of what to buy family members who have everything they need and then some, I perused the hunting aisles that sold deer urine, sleeping bags, rifles, bows and arrows, and even paintball gear.

(Needle drags across vinyl record) Whoa! Paintball gear! This store is the greatest store on earth!

I noted the blowgun paintball gun but wondered how one is to blow threw the stick when you�re required to wear a full facemask? Dumb gift. Their product selection was good enough for the novice but not for the advanced redneck, geeks that we�re becoming, rather, the redneck my brother is and my on-going transition into a redneck.

With my head hung low, I began my trek back from the bowels of the store and past a large mossy, looking clump of material. My god, it is a ghillie suit! Look, it is 50% off! Impossible that I can afford this because they typically sell for $130 to $260. Just for amusement and curiosity, I look at the tag which revealed a magical Meijer�s price of $79.99. Laughing and slightly embarrassed I grabbed the remaining three in XL sizes for presents to my brother and nephew, as well as one for myself just because one needs to treat oneself and I didn't want them to have a tactical advantage. Whoever heard of providing your enemies nukes? So, what if they are a bit large. What redneck kid doesn�t want a ghillie suit underneath their Christmas tree? Maybe, I�ll practice my stealth like moves by wearing it and jumping out of the tree on Christmas morning!

Not wanting to easily give up on the Perfect Gift for my father, after showing my mother my major purchase and laughing for a � hour, I returned home with my booty and scanned the computer for an alternative Meijer�s store which was thirty minutes away. Once again, I dash out the door and found myself at the next Mega Meijer�s. These big box stores are all laid out the same, so I quickened my pace and flew down the aisle maze past clothes, electronics, drapery and back to the automotive section. Only when I was about to turn down the aisle did it occur to me that the woman in front of me took the same deliberate circuitous route.

Down the aisle on the left, I saw the Perfect Gift with two in stock. Now directly behind the woman, she reached to grab one Perfect Gift and I tried to reach for the other when she placed her other hand upon it.

�I�m sorry. I�m taking two. I need to get this for my parents.�

�So do I.�

�I drove a long way to here for this.�

�So did I!�

�But, I was at the other store first before coming here.�

�So was I! The one at Springhurst.�

�That is where I was just at.�

�I thought you looked familiar. You were right behind me at that store. Oh, well. I guess this is just part of Christmas shopping experience � you beat me this time. Don�t worry though, I understand because they�re great gifts.

�Especially for elderly parents. Mine come from Georgia to visit and it is long cold ride for them. Well, I�m taking two but you can have my rain check for the other store. Also, you may want to ask them if they have any in the back of the store.�

�Thanks and thanks for the tip.�

I�ve only seen something like this in the movies but usually someone gets punched in the face and brawl begins in the aisles. I didn�t mind because I have ghillie suits for the family. How can you top a Perfect Gift such as Ghillie suits?

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