HOW?
12-03-05, 6:57 PM

Financial shortfall realization crushed me as a man today because I can no longer cover my own bills. I use the term, �man�, because paying one�s bill now defines our gender's role and responsibility. A painful stress induced pinch grasped the back of my neck and blood pounded my temples as I realized I�m no longer an adult and have to ask money from my parents. You have no idea how crushed I am because my �man� identity is really all I have left and now that is gone. If it weren�t for my former �man� identity, I�d cry but I fought back the tears pushing from my lower eye lids. As my male gender identity erodes, I�m sure this battle against the tears can�t be won.

I can now understand how �former men� felt during the Great Depression that lead to suicides and those without a job continued to dress for work and masquerade as if they still have a job. Dignity is such a vital characteristic to our gender and accepting handouts destroys any remnants of self-worth.

�HOW?� is the rampant question with no apparent true answer but only temporary ill-fitted bandages lacking adhesive. I now live in a cold house and nearly in the dark with the exception of a glowing computer screen. This is no way to live. The pinch in the back of my neck continues as I type when the thoughts of: �How the hell did you get to this situation? How are going to pay bills? How are you going to get yourself out of this situation? Etc.�

I know some of the answers. . . I didn�t listen to my intuition when they asked me to move here to help out. I didn�t check the facts nor throughly discuss as to how my role would help my parents; nor did I review the job market and pay scale; or, the ramifications of accepting a much lower paying job, reduced title and how it would affect my future employment; nor, did I explain my life's goals and aspirations and how such a move would impact these dreams; and, I didn't question other siblings as to their sacrifices, participation and role in helping. These questions and dialogue should have been a very easy and simple task yet, I crumbled under a guilty conscience from the desire to pursuit my happiness when help was asked of me. Did you have a choice? Probably.

My inclination now is to wallow in self-pity, blame others and drink beer to escape but the same problems will be there tomorrow and still without a solution. There is nothing I can do today except scan the �Want Ads� and hope one of the job applications I submitted calls shortly with an offer or interview. Second, I�ll write the Director that I need to speak to him regarding my long term employment with the organization and eventually ask for a raise during the review. Third, I could try to cut other expenses but all that remains is a satellite dish bill, Wednesday beer drinking and dating. Dating and beer drinking I can do without but I have to do something while under the covers trying to keep warm. Dammit! I have to cut the dish as well. Fourth, complete your tax return as soon as possible and hopefully get a big-ass return. Fifth, sell the house. It is time.

In self-analysis, the above argument and accusations are the rocks thrown when the blame should be my FEAR OF MONEY and my mismanagement of myself. The responsibility should squarely be upon my shoulders and mine alone.

Yesterday - Tomorrow