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Loose Ends
01-18-06, 1:28 PM

Truly, I want to write an upbeat entry but it is not forthcoming. Yet, I�m relieved the �former girl� emailed me and seems to have an understanding � at least within the email that she wrote she does because she forewarned me that shortly I�ll receive a letter at my home mailbox. The mailed letter is neither ��mean nor angry�� but something she had to get off her chest.

She then continued to write within the email, �Briefly, I am just really self-absorbed and for the last 20 some years I have operated on the assumption that nothing I could say or do could hurt a man but that I was at certain risk for being hurt by them at any moment. Not that I tried to be mean or hurtful (and I think you know that) but I get so focused on my attempts to always protect myself I lost sight of the fact that you were also vulnerable and might need to protect yourself. I knew it in my head but couldn�t fully understand it in my heart. In my letter to you I think in hindsight I�m kind of dismissive of the fact that you placed yourself at emotional risk with every romantic invitation and gesture you made toward me and I just never considered that it might have been hard for you. Later I got so threatened by your other priorities I put unintended pressure on you about whether or not you would leave town for a better job and for your health. It wasn�t helpful at all with all you have going on and I feel really guilty. Rewriting my resume was a really self-less thing to do when you had your own business to worry about and I never should have encouraged you to do that when you have so much on your plate. I was just selfish and I�m really sorry.�

So the mailed letter will be filled with emotion with a �dismissive attitude� of my gestures. I�m looking forward to an interesting read, due to her cell phone call where she claimed to wanting to fight for me.

I�ll probably move this entry to a private folder as to protect the innocent and emotional.

Other news:

Some people grow old gracefully and beautifully. Dad is one of the exceptions where old age is viewed in its worse forms: causing people to shield their eyes by placing the old, disabled or decrepit in the nursing home. M.S. bypassed graceful dignity altogether and exposed the ugliness of one�s fragility.

My mom finally toured the nursing home facilities for my father as his condition worsened with no use of legs and declining cognitive abilities. Around the clock care is becoming apparent because on humorous levels his atrocious scooter driving abilities is tearing chucks of drywall, gashing furniture, denting appliances, cracking toilettes on a daily basis. If he were in a car, a dui would be issued. These acts alone do not constitute the necessity of a nursing home but rather the inability to care for himself on a very personal level does. It is to the point that a fall off the scooter/bed/toilet, etc. could be very dangerous to his well-being and without two people lifting him, ��where he falls there he shall lay�� may become a reality.

I deeply feel for him because I know this is not how he wanted his life to be. I sense fear in realizing his fate at this next stage of his life. However, there was some hope provided to him that the nursing home will be a temporary measure as the house undergoes repair and is put on the real estate market. But will he want to leave the nursing home?

Apparently, he should feel quite at home because each individual room has satellite televisions which he loves and lives for because watching television is the only thing he could really do as a �hobby�. Even more enticing and something I wouldn�t mind when I grow older and required to be infirmed, that is if I could afford it, is the nursing facility has a five star chef on duty around the clock; a daily happy hour with alcohol served; a daily matinee on a movie size screen; dry cleaning; excursions, card room and a barber. It looks as though my haircutting butchery services will no longer be required. I hope and pray the other residents are social because conversations with people outside of his own family and near his own age is currently absent. He could have a whole new audience to indulge with stories from the past.

I whispered, �Does he know about the nursing home and wants to go?� after my mom told me about it.

�Yes. He seems as if he wants to go.�

Yesterday - Tomorrow

Here we go again... - 10-06-10
fuck you. - 07-02-08
A new blog - 04-13-08
New site: The Running Bob - 03-16-08
Tax Man Encourages Hobbies? - 03-11-08
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