Not 'Mother Fucker', It's 'Bobber Fucker'
03-22-06, 3:37 PM

Returning from a construction site frustrated and aggravated, my Receptionist stopped me at the elevator door before I could return to my office, �Bob, a gentleman dropped this off for you this morning,� she said while holding a bright red, long rectangular gift bag the size of a wine bottle.

�Must be a gift from a vendor or contractor to show his appreciation,� I said smiling while speculating as to who the gift could be from. Removing the top layer of tissue paper, at the bottom of the bag sat a jar of Bertolli Vodka Cream Sauce! �NO! Who delivered this?! What did he say?�

Nervously, she replied and stumbled over the words, �I� I don�t know. He just dropped it off. Is this not good?�

�No, this is not good!� I angrily yelled; turned away and shivered with repulsive �willies� at the thought the stockboy stalking me for a date. He must have Googled my name and found it in the newspaper to find out where I worked! �Kurt did this! Tell me! Did Kurt put you up to this?� I confronted the receptionist who recoiled with my barking questions.

�No. No. Some guy just dropped this off and asked if I would make sure I gave this to you.�

I begin to convulse and wave my arms with an accompanied repulsed �willly voice�, �Wooo oooo! Bleaaah! I can�t believe this.� I then embarrassingly stormed to my office with the thoughts racing through my head: �I have to change my phone number and make it unlisted, re-key the locks and be prepared if this guy should ever come to home. What did I do to attract a guy? I was drunk shopping for Christ sake! I�m such an idiot � ��give me your name and number and I�ll call you when the sauce comes into stock�!�

Sitting at my desk trying to calm down, once again, I look into the bag, �Well, at least I got a jar of thist sauce. Next time, I�ll say I�m seeking steak, prime rib or beer. Maybe I can received something better? What�s this? NO WAY! A fucking envelope!� Another �willy voice� emits accompanied with body spasms, �wwoooo ooo. Fuck no!�

I open the card and it states the following:

�It�s amazing what merely being near you does to me�
It�s something that beyond control or understanding.

Just your physical closeness triggers something primitive deep inside me that makes me want, no, need to touch you, breathe you in, become a part of your warmth.

I think I could live forever in the shelter of your arms, finding sustenance in your embrace, happiness in smoldering kisses that express more than words ever could.

It�s such a miracle that, out of the whole universe, you and I found each other.

You are the lover I never believed could exist � the one person who could make my fantasies come true, the one person I could love forever.�

Freaking-out now, I can�t contain myself at the thought that some dude is tracking me down trying to win me over for a date. What the hell did I do? Surely, I wasn�t that drunk?! To add insult to my manhood, the card was signed with the following,

�I�d love to share this Vodka Sauce with you� Please call me at �.�

Mother fucker! No Bob, it�s not �mother fucker,� he wants to �Bobber fucker�. I can�t believe this. Kurt, my co-worker has to be up to this! No one is around this morning in the office and all in meetings. I return to the Receptionist to cross-examine her one more time to no avail.

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