What did I get myself into?
06-06-06, 4:49 AM

To the hear the words, �I love you,� is exhilarating and heady in that someone unrelated actually cares for you. Friday night after a quick round at the bar to celebrate the beginning of my mini-vacation where I�m staying at home to make house repairs and generally just clean-up the joint to sell the place, the �girl� and I returned to her place for the evening. Upon the couch she broached the subject of wanting to talk about us. By the look of her tortured, unassured face, I could tell where the conversation was leading and prodded her into revealing those words, �I love you.�

I hadn�t heard those words spoken to me in years. Had Jeri told me these same words over five years ago? I can�t remember but I knew my heart ached for her. Roughly twenty years ago...has it been twenty years? I said these same words to Michele which received a quick retort, �No, you don�t.� I did love her but never said them again out of fear of being rejected for the remaining five to seven years we dated. No wonder it ended like it did � a long walk for a pack of cigarettes, even though I don�t smoke.

So, here I am faced again with these words again. Do you leave them hang in the air or respond in kind? Do you love her? Thousands of thoughts and life implications race through your mind and either response of �yes� or �no� causes an outcome of joy or heartbreak. I chose joy. However, immediately after these words escaped and she burst into tears with words akin to �I knew it was you from the beginning we met,� I wondered, �What did I just get myself into?� Lover�s remorse, if you will. But hell, it�s a risk well worth taking or isn�t it? Right?

With her new freedom to express herself, she floated and glowed with the words, �I love you.� To hear and say the words, was calming. Over the weekend, we spent a day at my house and a day at hers doing nothing in particular and silently, each wondered about a future.

Tonight, Monday night or rather early Tuesday morning at 4:30 a.m., I can�t sleep again. Racing thoughts of: things to do sell my house; find a good, life fulfilling job; selling the car; paying-off debts; implications of the �girl� and the next step (whatever that may be); and, breaking the news to my father that he is staying in the nursing home; and, soothing mom�s fears she�s doing the right thing exhausts me to an awaken state where I have the urgency to cause action and do something now! Anything... �Send out a resume. Advertise the car in the paper or on the net. Repair the car! Who is going to buy your car with some of the repairs? Can You fix the car? Just trade it in. Oh, you can�t afford a car payment if you want to move. Had you scanned your family�s photos yet and emailed? Repair the basement window. Meetings for work on Wednesday and Thursday, are you prepared? Who can you call for job hunting help? A local headhunter? The Realtor wants to show you house. Is your house ready to sell? Pet the dogs. Visit dad. Fix the garage door. Cut the dog�s hair. Baseball game tonight?...�

There�s not much I can do at 4:30 a.m. except write and hope these thoughts are drained out of me onto the page for sleep to occur.

Good night, again.

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