My Reality Show
11-27-05, 11:59 PM

For an extended week-end, I didn�t accomplish much but did a lot. Friday, I wanted to have a night on the town to test my newly reformulated bod at a trendy bar rather than the local dive, after all I was being eyed-over last weekend. So, I thought the new place may be promising to meet someone and provide a valid excuse to ending the relationship with the �girl�.

�Bob, didn�t anyone tell you L�s baptism is tonight?�
�Uh, no. How old is she?�
�Eight.�
�Isn�t that a little old to be baptized and why in the hell would you pick Friday night, the day after Thanksgiving, to have a baptism when we�ve been around family non-stop since early Wednesday? Who planned this?�
�Your sister-in-law did and they get baptized at eight in their church.�
�Oh great! Just what I wanted to do on a Friday night. Go to a baptism in a Mormon Church. How long will this take?�
�Maybe an hour but there is cake and refreshments afterwards.�

As you may recall, my last event at the Mormon church was to witness my nephew�s Boy Scout badge ceremony where I arrived at the wrong church where a bible study group was being conducted. Unwittingly, I happened to learn a few verses until it struck me that the audience was all male and none of my family was present.

To ensure my navigational skills would not misdirect me to the local pub, around 7:30 p.m. the handicapped equipped van with my folks arrived. Now, I�m a prisoner with no control to when I leave. Beer and ladies? No. Cake and punch? Yes, the night looks grim. The van is really pimped with a flat screen television, surround sound, extended ceiling, rims and all leather � not a van for old, handicapped persons. Sitting in the back seat with my father, his new motorized wheel chair with joy stick control was strapped down in front of us and I asked, �I just can�t understand why you don�t like this van?�

�Well, it is not a Mercedes and it doesn�t have cable.�
�Don�t you think it would be difficult to have a cable connected to the car while driving throughout the city?�
He ponders and finally realizes the difficulty and the enormity of such an installation, then states, �I think I�ll get satellite instead.�

Born and raised Catholic, I immediately wore my humble and reverent face whereas my brother�s family and friends were chatting away and kids running throughout the complex. To test my patience and ability to not swear under pressure or pain, my dad inadvertingly ran over my foot three times before the ceremony began when an epiphany occurred, �I really need to leave Kentucky and get a life.�

Some teary eyed people gave �testimony� to the Holy Spirits influence upon their lives. For example, a woman in her mid-forties explained the Holy Spirit told her father, �...not to step on the brake...� when, as a little girl, the car they were driving from Montana to Utah spun-out of control on a mountain pass and miraculously came to stop. I wanted to burst out laughing at the stereotype of Utah but more so about their dumb luck and the clear evidence the Holy Spirit was involved. We see god when we need to I suppose. Any rate at the end of the ceremony, the Bishop gave L#$@ a lifetime warranty flashlight, a Magnum, as token, symbolic gift. This kind of stun me because all we received from any of our first sacraments as a kid was a plastic rosary � one that even glowed in the dark. I need to shop around for a better deal. Maybe I could find a faith that offers free toasters for it�s newly signed members?

I�ll skip Saturday�s family festivities of all day paintball but will just add: ten year old girls are fearless and dangerous. Saturday night I stayed home because I had a nine mile run today and didn�t want to be miserably hung-over and unable to complete the run. I�m proud to write: I kicked ass today!

Around 11 a.m. the �girl� called. I know because I checked the Caller I.D. but did not answer because I don�t know what to do just yet. She left a message wanting to meet for coffee, dinner or a movie. There was so much hope in her voice. One side of me desired to meet her and just be around her because I did, in fact, miss her over the week-end. Now, did I truly miss her or just want someone around? The reality and implications of her STD sunk in once again.

For the remainder of the day, I watched a reality show where a woman has fourteen suitors vying for her attention in order to win a million dollars. The catch: some guys are gay and some are straight. At the end of each episode she chooses one or two to leave and asks the question: �Are you gay or straight?� Some guys I had no clue but that is not the point to my writing. I saw thirteen different ways to end a relationship and thought, perhaps, I could use one excuses but to no avail. Tomorrow is Monday and I�m sure we�ll have lunch.

Yesterday - Tomorrow