Hands Thrown Up -- I give up!
06-09-06, 1:59 AM

All I could do is throw my hands up and give up. There is nothing more I can give or do. Although I empathize that this situation may cause you some discomfort or inconvenience, it is your turn to contribute to the solution. I can no longer burden all the problems or grief. I have to desensitize myself to the situation; not involve myself immediately and see how others contribute before committing my energy. At this point, you don�t have the facts and your response is a knee jerk reaction.

Worn-out physically and mentally, I hit the couch and fell asleep instantly. My sleep is so deep when I�m abruptly awaken by a late night, 11 p.m. these days, ringing phone, I�m stunned to find I�m alive. I run to the phone with eyes half shut seeking to stop the annoying ringing noise. Surely a phone call this late, 11 p.m. with six hours of precious sleep remaining to day break, requires action to an emergency.

My sister answers, �Have you talked to mom?�
�No.�
�Well, she has no money to live.�
�What?�
�She spoke to the estate planner and attorney and she has no money to live on for eight months. What are you going to do?�
�How do you know this?�

To make a long story short, the government has certain requirements for Medicaid to kick-in and according to my sister all their investments are locked in IRA�s. Dad�s disability all goes to the nursing home. �Mike is furious because he doesn�t want to leave California nor does he want me to work because paying for childcare would cost more than I could earn.�

I seriously doubt her statements since she has a MBA from a prestigious school. I suspect my sister just doesn�t want to work. Resentment builds within because of my personal sacrifices to move to this place in order to help my family. My resources are all exhausted. Exhausted. Financially, I�m scraping just to survive myself. My career is shot. It�s time for a guilt trip shot across her bow! �I guess you just don�t love your mother, otherwise you would move here to help. I did. I�m sorry but this is a problem for you and Ron to solve because I have no money. This is a problem for their accountant and attorney to solve as they advised them what to do.�

She calls in a panic at 11 p.m. and expects immediate solutions.

�Did I wake you?� She asks.

�Yes. How do you know she doesn�t have any money? What has she been using up to now? You know she exaggerates and lies.� You�re always a child to your parent and they insert their so-called �parental rights� of advice and demands. Likewise, I find my �child instinct� remains where I place full faith and belief in everything that comes out of my parents� mouths because they would never lie to me. Why didn�t the revelation of the non-existence of Santa Claus set-off an alarm that they would not only lie about big things such as a guy breaking into our house and leaving gifts, but also the little things in order to manipulate my decisions or action? I readily admit that I lie in certain situations but certainly a parent would never lie to a child!

�Yes, I forgot she does that sometimes. I�m not around there and forget.� My sister vaguely recalls.

�You know mom. Maybe, she�s blowing things out of proportion and wants attention. Maybe she clung onto one small detail they said and is exaggerating. I�m sorry though, I gave up on caring and can�t bear anymore problems. Ron and you will have to figure this one out. I have nothing left emotionally and am financially broke.� Just earlier today, I caved to my mom�s request to tell dad that he is not leaving the nursing home and moving back home. So, I�ll carry the emotional scar rather than she or my brother.

Visions of both my sister and brother living in nice homes with growing families enter my thoughts and resentment begins to rise again as memories of mother and brother cornering me and saying, �Bob, why don�t you give up a year of your life and move here to help out? You�re single. You don�t have a family. You don�t have commitments.�

At that very moment, I saw a bleak future before me and it came true, not just for one year but now going on four. Trying to hold back tears, I replied, �You don�t know what you�re asking of me! I�m just on the upswing of my career. I have a place and friends that I love.� I didn�t mention though that I was in love with someone at the time because the relationship was one of an affair. Certainly, I wasn�t proud of my actions and entering such a relationship but, delusional, I felt love for her.

Now, it is 1:30 a.m. and I can�t sleep...again. I�m thinking of ways to solve the problem � sell a car; obtain a personal loan for year then sell their IRA�s in February to pay off the debt; sell some of their belongings, etc. There are solutions - some obvious, some creative and others where they have to change their behaviors or contributions that may cause an inconvenience. I, rather my brother and sister, just can�t solve the problems tonight.

At the moment, I�m trying to convince myself: there are worse problems in the world; this is just a speed bump; and, I have to solve some of my problems first before tackling other�s. This is a dark entry in the journal but this is how I feel. The entry may reveal selfishness and, most definitely justified or unjustified resentment. I need to change my perspective and be happy for the people in my life and what I have � there are far many with nothing or fewer means than I. How�s that for a crappy affirmation?

Snap out of it! Get some sleep! Tomorrow, rather, today is Friday and you have the week-end! Time to do something fun � see a band, go to a game, run the dogs...go dance?

Added immediately after posting: don't forget, you wanted to start your life with your own set of problems (with the girl?) Things are going well in that department...she bought you sushi today for lunch!

Another thought: I think I (suspect my family) get so caught-up in the present situation that I lose track of the goodness in the past and in the long term. I really need to avoid this pessimistic attitude by me and others.

Yesterday - Tomorrow